August 5, 2016
OK ..I am not sure what you want to know, so I will share my story of how I made it from having all to rebuilding a life with nothing but the clothes on my back, not even a penny…In a town that I knew no one. No family support…
My oldest son is an ex heroin addict. If you know anything about this drug, that alone would say it all. If not the next sentence will fill in the blanks …My stepmother, or that person my dad married after I was an adult and started building my own adult life. A year after my mother death, my father married a co worker that I had maybe met once. I did not like her from the start and fought about her with my dad. At the end of the day, and very ironically now, my dad wouldn’t have married her had I insisted ..but I decided that love for my father came before the sick feeling my tummy would get around her. His happiness should be put first, he was lonly and sad until she came into the picture. They spent every holiday with me, after a couple yrs and I relocated, supported me when I left my ex and had to rebuild, spent a couple/few camping trips a year with us, and we where all very close. My brother has children yet my dad always had a special attachment to my first son, Sean. With a 160 IQ (now forever to be less then 150 ..)(at least he had extra to afford losing..! yet, it applies …), a sports star ..mainly hockey, and i think came in second one yr at a swim meet and once i a while at a track meet due to field games, he was the most outgoing, smart, happy, blond hair, well mannered, ..”golden boy” .. I even rarely made friends due to mother’s of the other Catholic school kids being jealous…no joke. My second son, probably will never even get a traffic ticket before retirement…he currently attends UC Davis in San Francisco and lives with his fiance there. While Sean only last year left the drug rehab ministry he put himself in for the last three years. He finally left after graduating a school for NDT, and getting a job… He has stayed and been clean since that day …that one day that changed my world forever in 2012, four years ago.
First, my stepmother wanted me to practice “tough love” and I refused. That started my downfall… She used that with my dad way too often. I refused bc I knew he would die. He would be dead. He knew it, I knew it. as close as they where to him, I would think they would know. They maybe would have if my stepmother didn’t put me down about it so much, that it annoyed (he can not stand complaining) my dad so much that he wouldn’t go beyond what she said ..He didn’t want to be involved with anything more than passing me money, under the table…behind her back… to cover money Sean used to take that was my bill money ..I even owned my own real estate company and had for many years. Over time, her point stuck in his head, and he start to resent the situation and started to get angry with me. He was claim I “enabled” Sean by giving him a roof, and so on.. and he really didn’t want to be a part of it yadda yadda … Eventually it created a huge gulf between a close family and I already had friends and family I lost over the entire tough love thing my. My dad threatened to cut me out of the family etc if something didn’t change, all while I would BEG him to pay for a rehab …I wish they went that route first. If he fell after a rehab, I may have been more open to practicing tough love ..he wanted to quit and I saw the pain it put him through when he was out. It started with broken ribs from a hockey game…He was adult age, going to school full time, working full time, and part time..He had his own insurance and never caused me a problem a day of his life ..So ..I never watched close for anything like illegal drugs. I had tried some of various kinds in high school, but nothing serious, and never touched anything after leaving Houston at 23 with my now ex. I wouldn’t have even known what to look for ..I finally figured it out with the help of my cousin and a close friend from high school here in Houston. At the time, we lived in Colorado. I moved there from Pa, when I left my abusive ex to move to Colorado because my dad and wife begged me too. They where going to (and did) retire there and wanted us closer for convenience. They would eventually need help and if I ever had an emergency as a single parent, they would be close. Much later Sean told me he was put on Oxycodone or contin, whichever doesn’t matter …..a year later he was STILL going to a pain specialist for something that no longer existed. With the first Dr. and trip he was prescribed over 90, 20 milligrams for the month, he became physically addicted and it escalated from there. By the time we pulled out of Colorado, he had been shooting both coke and heroin regularly ..
Eventually, the stepmother discovered all the money my dad had snuck me over the three year time span that is a mother’s NIGHTMARE. If an addict lives in the deepest pit of hell, their mom had a special pit that was dug deeper. I can not explain seeing your child go through that. The pain. the guilt, the self hate and recriminations that continue years later …A child that was the ultimate golden boy..never lost, or even came in second (in his head second place is losing..his stepfather, actually gave him that idea), not in sports or in school …not at work, or dating…He won anything he wanted from day 1. First day he saw an ice rink was the first day of hockey, and he didn’t fall, first time on water ski’s he got up and stayed up too, first time snow skiing he went down a black diamond without dying, straight a’s or b’s in accelerated classes amd even a John’s Hopkins program where he went to college in summers, for credit. since seventh grade ..As a minority, bc this country’s motto that state, leave no child behind, left all accelerated children stuck while holding the slower children’s hands ..He scored way above the avg high school student for the college exams for the program in 7th grade, so high that he never took it again (the sat)(later in high school, he made only two points from a perfect score on the act’s). Why did I add all the information, bragging on a child that stole my life for his?? a) He didn’t, the drug did. b) It shows how little help there is for an addict. Sometimes it isn’t a choice. many addicts, beg plead and would give BOTH legs to have any sort of help with funding for help in a rehab ..To get through withdrawal.. which is very dangerous and painful, …scary. To never have to break a law to feel just normal for one day, to never go to jail over something they hate and love. Heroin addicts HATE, even LOATHE it after a time, yet at the same time they LOVE it and even years later there are days he says that out of the blue, no triggers even, just out of nowhere he feels like a freight train that had a solid concrete wall appear in front of him while he was going full speed..not even paying attention bc it has been so long. That the need pops up like that on its own whim and it’s so powerful it has brought him to his knees (I remind him that’s exactly where he needs to be when that happens…praying) …he says the mental issue, even after four years, is almost a daily epic battle where you get tossed those hardball’s with no warning… that he can understand 100% why most heroin addicts that get clean fall, even after rebuilding their life, and die .. Probably on purpose …He still has self loathing and doubt, sad from the most outgoing overachieving, self centered person. It is still as if he lived that day and yet died too. An empty shell. Only recently, upon learning his little brother never hated or held any resentment to him and wants to be a part of our lives did Sean start showing very small parts of who he really is. He went to a rehab christian ministry and lived there over 3 years. Thinking he had to be a “cookie cutter Christian”..Eventual I figured that out and pointed out that God loved who he was before so much that he showed grace and mercy that only he can by saving Sean’s life so many times throught his addiction. Showing a need for all he is and can be to serve God in return. He gets the strength to stand from kneeling. Only from God, then from years being taught to believe second is last ..Without God, and without years of hockey, he wouldn’t be alive either. Perserverence. Love for other things. A life full of love and experiences BEFORE the addiction. Something most don’t have. That love is what gets him the win each day, bc he wants something MORE. Most heroin addicts do. He begged for help. I begged to get him help. Many times. Mo
st do and no one listens. …
Anyway ..I helped him get clean, even paid for other illegal dope to help him through wd …it was the hardest two weeks of my life. Harder than anything else I had ever done. I made ot through right along with him. The next week, my stepmother served me to sue me for the ..my.. home to replace all my dad gave me over those years. Two weeks after my grandmother passed, which motivated Sean to win. A week later, she took my home. I sold my mom’s oil and gas revenue’s to cover the cost of relocating home to Houston by selling my uncle my shares.
The move …
ABU packed with all I could in the 48 hr time frame my stepmother gave me. We decided to move home to start over. In a place that held no triggers and no memories. A place he knew no one and for a time, could get nothing. It would give him time to heal. Us to heal. Hopefully, time for family to forgive and help us rebuild and move on. Nope. Never happened. In fact, my only sibling visited them over father’s day amd came back saying he couldn’t stand me now. After always standing beside me. One of maybe two that said I never directly did anything to them amd as long as I nor Sean ever did, they had no reason to cut me out of their life. He talked to me every month for four years until that day last month. Why? They hate us even more now? We have done only the right things since ..Sean even stayed and lived at the rehab ministry way beyond the nine month graduation… even attended school and graduated while working in and living in a ministry. Not easy. He is committed to living with me to ease my financial situation to help me also rebuild. You see, that one day in 2012, we where driving on our move from CO home to Houston, and got stopped in some redneck town. A place I never even heard of. AFTER, losing my home, losing my family inheritance, i had my car stolen on the road with all my most cherished memories and expensive ones and bought another with my cash … I only to be stopped one exit away from our exit where we would stop for the night. For? A front light out. At dusk. Yet all the way light. As in, if you couldn’t see without my lights on, I don’t want you on the same road as me, light. Next I was searched without being asked. The probable cause was Sean’s one yr past defered felony drug charge in CO. Well, my luck surfaced and Sean had quite a ton of stuff in his backpack. I had no idea, of course. He hadn’t used any that I could tell. Later when I asked him just one thing ..why? he said that being so far away from all his connections and suppliers made him feel scared amd nervous, that it was back up, and yes to eventually use .. sparingly without getting addicted again (right @@) …That he couldn’t stand leaving and thinking the word NEVER. When we where getting pulled over, I found out so of course I wouldn’t have agreed to being searched. I was over fourty, been a parent of two boys now grown ..Made it through all kinds of restarts and hell …Only to find out what hell is ..not loosing everything while in the middle of a move to do the RIGHT thing (&he would have…manily), finally ..not being forced to leave a place that was now my home ….not watching him struggle so often in pain trying to win with him begging for help and me begging my family for help (&yes affording all that plus help, wouldn’t create even a dent in their finances ..I was born to very old southern/Louisiana blood …All female relatives had a New Orleans debut and where in the Junior League, with my mom and a cple aunts being president of it ..my one grandfather started Atlas oil and formed Penzoil with a few other smaller oil companies, another a drilling co, an uncle that built and owns most of Shreveport, my kids had access to any school from even Kincaid (which I didn’t do, to Notre Dame which was also a no ..) ..one uncle a priest in the Holy Cross order …the other side old French Creole with govenors and so on …Another grandparent retiring as vp at Penzoil ..and so on. My dad retired from Enron and wife from Halliburton (that alone should have said all ha) …I never wanted for anything and neither did my sons. My home had nicer, older antiques than some in River Oaks .. I am completely as at home amd relaxed at a country club or yaht club (yes we all sail too) as I am in the worst hoods in h’town …how? Why didn’t any family, even my mom’s shelter me? Those are the rules. A top one from our social status (ex social status, bc I refuse now ..), our families business stays in the family, behind closed doors, hence we take care of our own. Yet when all the ones in your corner are passed leaving you with all jewelry & antiques .memories including family pics from your mother, her mother, her aunt (w no children) that all passed, you are expected to hold onto them ..They where expected to help me do it if I needed them too ..With none in my corner I was left homeless, hungry, with the clothes on my back exactly four mnths from that day, with no family to help…How? I lost ALL AND GAINED MORE THAT ONE DAY. The redneck cop, with Sean and I have diff surnames did not ..not even by a hair.. believe I was his mom. Diff surnames, and while now each year amd issue with probation ages me dramatically, I still look much younger than 47. Even now, people mistake me for 32-35,tops. Before that day, I was in shape, more so than most men. I had a 6 day a week brutal. workout for almost 18 yrs, every other day tanning appt after the gym, and monthly hair highlights and waxing. I never used beyond a nightcap legal drink and pot a few times with said stepmother (just as almost illegal ..in fact once he took a bottle of her sisters oxy script from their bathroom in Colorado …they now have a second costly home here also ..no idea why …6yrs later .. nothing. except they hate us more for no reason. ..)…and I did take a few oxy here and there on tough re or dating site meeting first dates …not often …but never touched heroin ..I didn’t even know it esculated to that until a cple mnths before we left ..he took that step after oxys where made to oponas. (sp?) .. you can not break them down to shoot ..though he said later he did and could, it was not easy though when heroin got cheaper and easier than those 80’s ..He was up to 6 to feel human.
Where was I? The stop. Never asked about a search rationed by a defered one yr felony charge that closed over a year before, after a stop over a light out before the sun was down ..Not helping was I was being arrested for an expired license. Expired 4 weeks bc I knew we would have to move and why pay two. Sean drove up until the last stop just two hrs before but he was so tired and never drove that far. He was dizzy at the gas station so I insisted. SAFER .. yet again, punisjed doing the “RIGHT” things..again. and again. The hell? Cop lights, Sean looked at me while pulling large bags out of bag, unwrapped and put a mnt in his hand and said to slow way down w blinker but stretch it a moment …He ate enough to kill a heard of cattle while looking at me apologizing, that he lived me for al I sacrificed and he loved me …He couldn’t live with all that would come now … There’s zero scientific way possible way he lived …Only way God could be in front of science fact in his head. Impossible he didn’t even go to emergency … I know bc I asked for a taste to keep me calm for all this and to watch him die and say goodbye…we said a fast one ..with 150% belief he would be dead before even the dogs got there to search ..never guessing they wouldn’t believe I was his mom …I looked younger then him before it all and still don’t look over 30 and with the hell TX drags me through, I gain 10yrs a yr since …Why? I lost all even the little left. My car, my bank card where unloaded while in jail 3.5-4 mnths with no commissary, no jail experience, no one to handle finances on the outside …Why arrested? The technical law in Texas..in your car …your home …your charge too …so in jail I kept hope ..after all in CO, Sean’s first drug felony was one yr defered probabtion. Last min my stepmother called DA and gave false info of all I had done, and my son in the past …My attorney had been on his way with a preindictment deal for two yrs prob and had to go back and rework it to SIX years probation…The redneck cop never asked to search, had no real prob cause ..not for a past, closed felony that we only needed money to seal.
I lost all and thought I gained all, so I was never bitter ..except someone stole my car was free, wiped out my accts with oil money revenue ..ALL my money to restart, cleaned it out and left me with a 6yr drug felony probation in an ugly town knowing no one, that was boring and dirty (I may have to go back for the last two years of probation) and with not even a penny and the clothes I had on that day ..Yet, I win my son’s life …I learned there is no proce I wouldn’t pay for that …and DID. ALL FOR THE ONE THING THAT MEANT MORE THAN MY OWN LIFE. would I redo it ans change it? never. He wouldn’t be alive, helping others with his teatimoney…even if his story saves one person in hell by giving them a tiny pinprick of life, it was worth it.
Watching him suffer for yrs, helping him walk out of hell w my help, my younger son making a $ deal on 16th bday to move there and having his dad screw me in every part of that deal ..even his son too…he broke all but two promises on the trade off …made, I was told by a very shy, selfish person who hated any change …showing the most unself act, one most aduts wouldn’t and didn’t make …for me to do al I coukd to save his brother, the he wasn’t going for the money but to leave me free to do whatever it takes to save his brothers life … if he didn’t make it so that I could be free to hold his hand in hell …if he stayed or not…he was sacrificing all he loved to go to a place he hated for me to do all I cld to save his older brother’s life …The most grown unselfish act from the most unexpected relative …I let him …I wanted kids to make thier own mistakes and even the choices that show who I raised them to be. His dad retired a few yrs ago as the vp of operations for the largets manufacturer of plastic in the world ..abused me which Travis has no clue, but loved his kids. ..cut out sean, hurting them all, for no reason…Hurting Sean, that his gold craked so much, it destroyed the gold armor sean walked in since birth ..They had been more father and son then any of his actual sons …Then my own dad who my dad spoiled and loved above all, taught to hate Sean ir me for not doing the best she thought for him. Bull. She knew, anyone would …He excelles at all except street survival ..Wilderness first aid he is federally licensed..Now he is in street. After, I got the same charge amd we made our way with loss or all…my cards cleaned out while in jail and I waited too lomg to report it ..Three mnths bc I had been in jail..They didn’t care…I lost over 12-15k of oil revenue wells ….all my memories of al those who loved me and woukd have helped me get through what layed ahead. More on top of more ..two cars and expenses lost spent on them to move, the 100k equity that was inherited from my mom’s mom along w wells ..My dog that was my baby, my entire abu truck full of marble tops, antiqued all ..leather topped desks and tablesz duncun fife for 16, linens and so on …My freedom, my money, pictures, and was saved by the “help”, as I was brought up to say..We where both “left for dead, since only 2% make it out alive and we won’t be hurt over and over”…and so on..
YET ..Sean lived. 4 Years prob gone, 2 to go. Have been bumps amd wil be until two more years when released. Just pray not too large to make it through alive ..
You see, the deepest pit, wasnt watching and not being able to kiss my baby’s bobo or fix it, not watching him say bye while trying to die,. not being deserted by all family, now but one …not even being left for dead, not rescued by the one thi g that my dad’s mom would rise from her grave over, the help helping me rather than my own …the freedom I saw in his eyes and face when he tried to die, then the self hate when they charged me also no matter how much he said i didn’t know and he would notorize anything saying so …the freedom and peace I saw when he thght it was over …stalks my nightmares…will he ever be whole?
It’s hard enough rebuilding w an active drug felony, harder still watching your son’s struggle over what shldnt rip a family apart …hardest of all, looking at caller id with every call when he is gone to make sure isn’t the call I avoided so long ..Went through it alone ..but God …made it our alone, but God.
I want my family, and miss my dad. My son will never be whole without his PawPaw’s forgiveness … Hopefully he forgives himself enough to move past pawpaw and rebuild with all he has, showing he is no shell …he is still my son. That I didn’t trade all for a shell.
THAT’S what I have had to build out of the ashes of …The short version..lol but true. The details show even worse amd deeper resentment from people that no matter how much hurt me and mine, I can not treat the same. Even my dog used to get better treatment …God word comes first.
Thank you Liz.
Now maybe you can tell people about your health issues and how the Probation authorities and judge care not one iota about your life.